The past month has been rather difficult. The packing up of the house was a hot mess. There were a number of critical errors we made and we clearly had been spoiled by all of the corporate moves over the years. Doing it on our own was hard (expected) but wasn’t well executed. Add some exhaustion, kids in virtual school and a shit ton of emotions and it just wasn’t a pleasant experience. We loved the house but it became a massive burden that last week. We’re thankful for how patient and gracious our new tenets were as we scrambled around trying to get out of the house all while managing the painting, repairs and so on. I won’t add much other than to say I suspect the scars that were brought on by that pack up and move out will last decades.

We’ve now been out for 2 weeks and things have been getting better but the process of saying goodbye is in full swing. This, too, has been incredibly hard and it’s clear that any second thoughts we have had over the past 16 months or so pale in comparison to the doubts that have entered our minds over the past 3 weeks. Why are we doing this?! Why would we leave our lovely house and fantastic neighborhood? Why would we leave all of our wonderful friends? The wonderful school? We’re happy here! Why on earth are we blowing all of this up?

These questions keep coming back in to my head almost every time we have another “final” get together to say goodbye. The kids, too, have had enough. Oliver, who we think is the most sensitive of the two boys, or at least the most articulate in explaining his feelings, has even said “let’s just go, now.” I understand this. Each day, while getting us closer to departure, is an exercise in looking at the past and spending too little time looking ahead. These goodbyes should be glorious. A wonderful reminder of just how fortunate we are, living a life full of fantastic, interesting friendships.

My experience however is one of sadness and self doubts. The tears hurt and I’m tired of Big Feelings. I’m fighting to change my mindset as this should be a time of celebration. Shit, we’re all fucking vaccinated (amazing!!!) and finally getting together with people we haven’t seen in months or over a year! This. Is. Awesome. But it’s impossible to ignore the fact that we’re leaving, likely for quite some time, and it’s making these final gatherings hard for me. And the self doubts, something that hasn’t really been a major factor in my experience thus far, have been ever present. All that said, my goodness I’ve had a TON of fun. The laughs have been huge, the hugs welcomed, the reminiscing a joy and the dancing, well, the night of dancing was epic!!! Thanks, everyone, for the truly wonderful last few weeks. The time you shared with us means the world and will not be soon forgotten.

I don’t want to leave but my god I want to get the fuck off the dock. Let’s do this.