It’s funny that I’m 46 and never really realized, at least consciously, that I tend to work through my emotions and thoughts through song lyrics. Usually it starts with dreams, the song enters the dream and then it gets stuck on repeat. This is different than a catchy hook or melody, that happens too, but this is about a specific line or stanza. Has this blog title already sparked your memory? Is the melody now in your head? How about the lyrics?

Rather than writing it all out here I’ll let you find the song by the Talking Heads and have a listen. Or just google the lyrics. Or not, IDGAF. These blogs are, mostly, for me anyway. And, despite this blog having another banal title along the lines of “living the dream!!!” it’s a bit darker than I’d like it to be right now, much like the song. Same as it ever was…

So how did I get here? Where is my beautiful car? Where is my beautiful house? Is this not the dream I wanted? Well, the answer is, yes, it is, but it’s different than I imagined and, perhaps, wanted. And the car and house are still in Toronto.

What’s leading to the friction in my mind? I guess that’s what this entire post is going to be about. So you’re not going to hear about crystal clear water, white sand beaches, my beautiful wife and those beautiful sunsets. And, let’s be honest, I see far more sunrises than sunsets. Same as it ever was.

What I’m currently struggling with is the isolation and the question of where do we go from here? Our journey down the US east coast and in to the Bahamas was chock full of new meetings, burgeoning relationships and thriving socialization, for both parents and kids. And then we removed ourselves from that and, well, it’s been hard. Am I right right? Am I wrong? And you may say to yourself, My God, what have I done?

The decision to blow up that part of our adventure, by buying a new boat in New Zealand, might have been a mistake. That’s hard to say. Really truly. How has it been a mistake? There are 3 main footings to address. The first one is financial and that will be addressed in a different post at a different time. After the money is gone. 🙂 (it’s a lyric, people, we’ll be fine!!!)

The second issue is our geographic location. We knew that we were putting ourselves in a tricky and remote part of the world by buying a boat in New Zealand. This isn’t a surprise but we’re now dealing with the reckoning of that decision. As the calendar continues its inexorable march forward and the seasons begin to change we have a number of decisions to make and, can you believe this, I’m only seeing the negative aspects of it right now. We need to move out of the cyclone zone and our options, while all fine, are tough and require big miles and, possibly, some tough passages. And we aren’t sure what we should do.

It’s impossible to continue to address footing #2 without overlaying footing #3, the isolation. The Pacific is a big place and while there may be the same amount of people and kid boats cruising this area (there absolutely aren’t), the inherent bigness of the Pacific spreads everyone out. So we spend a lot of time alone. We’re working hard to minimize that and it’s hardly bleak. Our family continues to thrive with its interpersonal relationships and that’s an unequivocal win for us. I love it. The time with the kids is unbeatable and the depth of my relationship with both boys continues to deepen, a wonderful thing. That alone should make it worthwhile…but it just doesn’t feel that way right now.

We’ve all agreed that we prefer time with others as it’s simply more fun to share experiences with others. Friendships, strong, real, deep friendships, enrich our life so much and we crave more of those. But this lifestyle makes that hard. You may find a family that you hit it off with but they’re moving the other direction, or are out for only a few months, or have different ages or interests. Life is a kaleidoscope and that’s cool AF, but it makes finding true connections tricky out here. I understand that many of you reading this from ashore who haven’t done this before may be thinking “it’s just as hard in real life, buddy” and you’d be wrong.

Don’t for a minute think I’m whining. We’ve met some really wonderful and interesting people who have made this experience so much more fun. But that doesn’t change the fact that we, as a family, feel rather isolated. We’ve addressed this in a family meeting and every one of us agreed that we prefer spending time with others and are willing to give up some of our goals and objectives in order to spend more time with others we want to be with.

And this is why we are having a tough time at this moment as we’re now in a tricky part of the world and have a decision to make. Many people love the Pacific and spend many seasons here, some never leaving. We’re not those people. But we’re also not people that want to spend all our time in the Bahamas. Or the Caribbean. We like to move and see stuff. Different stuff. I love a beautiful white sand beach as much as the next guy but there’s a lot more out there to see IMHO and both Melissa and I agree that if at the end of the trip all we’ve done is see some beautiful beaches and islands we’ll likely be disappointed.

So that means we want to leave this part of the world. But we want to be with others. But many don’t want to leave. As leaving entails some some really big passages over some really tough areas and there just aren’t that many people interested in doing that. Can you see where I’m going here with this? Do what we want to do, alone, or stay in an area that we aren’t super interested in remaining in with a greater chance of being with friends. Shit.

A positive right now is that we’ve reconnected with the Lawson family aboard Noonsun. We’re going to spend the next 6 weeks or so cruising with them and that’s going to be awesome. We can’t wait. It’s proving to be a stark reminder that when you find a connection that good it changes everything but we know that it’s fleeting and will be ending, much sooner than we’d like. I’m trying to live in the now but I absolutely suck at that. So we’ve got some big decisions to make and while I’d like to punt those down the road and focus on our time with a family we adore I’m finding my days consumed by the decisions we’re facing.

For those not familiar with the rhythms of the oceans, winds, currents and seasons here’s a quick briefing: We must move, obviously we can go north, south, east or west. North and east aren’t great options to us, south means NZ and while that’s an awesome option it requires a tough passage, 2 more times. Or we can go west, toward Australia. But grab a map and you’ll see our predicament. If one wants to continue moving (with the winds) you need to keep going west and those will be some big passages done alone. We’re not afraid of being alone but, as I just covered, we enjoy the company of others. Spending 6 to 8 to, possibly, 14 months mostly alone is not what we want to do. We know this with certainty.

So that now has us exploring options that we never would have considered before. Do we do a rally? Do we spend more time in the Pacific. Do we just…stop? Will we be happier at home, back in our old life? Am I right? Am I wrong? My God, what have I done?